


they're in my head

by zenexit



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Related, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Post Pacific Rim, Post-Canon, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-26 22:11:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14411601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zenexit/pseuds/zenexit
Summary: The moment that passed between them then felt like when a single note was pressed on a keyboard. The way it would stretch out time in the room, making everything feel longer than it truly was. One second in this time could feel like hundreds. It was bullet time, preserved in a moment where it made no sense to exist. The sense of hollowness was the same, as everyone would wait for the next note to play. Expecting it to be there, perhaps silently worried it would never come. The whole room might even hold their breath waiting for it to be. Hermann felt exactly like that then, waiting silently to see if Newt would pull himself up and say something strange, make an excuse, or even yell at Hermann. Nothing came though, aside from those eyes staring back at him. Hermann decided Newt was waiting just as much in that moment as he was, trying to see how the other would react.





	they're in my head

**Author's Note:**

> my partner wanted a fic about the lines newt says in pr2 but theyre about depression instead. this is all super self indulgent and probably a lot of projection lol
> 
> this takes place right after pacrim 1 and its more of a canon divergence than something that leads to pr2, but i guess you could have it be like that if you hated yourself, but its not what i had in mind
> 
> i wrote this fic completely one time, decided i hated it, and wrote it from scratch again. i hope you guys like it

When Hermann had thrown upon the door of Newton’s room, what he saw was not what he had expected to.

It was a late night, the kind that felt like it dragged on and on and on, but when you looked at the clock only an hour had passed. Of course, like always, Hermann had been in the lab. He was working on reports, mostly. That had been all anyone had really been up to since the breach had been closed. That and hand shaking ceremonies that seemed to go on for needless hours. However, it got their funding back, so Hermann supposed he could stomach it.

It was in this late hour, that Hermann had looked to the pile of papers that Newt had left to sign. They were growing by the day, slowly accumulating as Hermann did all the work for each of them before adding them to the pile. All Newton had to do was review them, and sign them. He probably wouldn’t even review them, if Hermann was being honest.

Newt had been very… hard to get ahold of as of late. Hermann wished he could say he was annoyed with it, and some part of him was, but if anything the entire PPDC had been a flurry of movement since the breach was closed. Hermann felt like he couldn’t breathe, and he had seen Newt around enough to not be too concerned. He was busy, taking the ceremonies and the interviews to be his responsibility. If Hermann was being honest, he appreciated that. It made it easier for him to avoid going to them altogether.

Looking at the papers, Hermann sighed. His annoyance was peaking, pressured by how tired he was and his growing workload that Newton, of course, must be too busy to help with. 

Deciding it was easy to make this Newt’s problem, that Hermann would just go and wake him up from his beauty sleep or whatever strange new narcissistic title his partner was calling it. He would throw the door open, begin an argument, and leave the papers for him to go over and have read to give to him in the morning.

A glance at the clock told Hermann it was three in the morning. Without thinking about it, he nodded to himself. Newt wouldn’t be too sincerely upset about being woken up at this time, they had pushed past this hour hundreds of times together over the past ten years. This was prime working hours, he would cope.

The lab had changed little since the breach, in fact it looked almost exactly the same.  _ Almost _ . 

The only thing that had changed in the time since, was the lack of mess. The side of the lab that belonged to Newt felt absolutely sterile to the way it had been before. His remnants of kaiju bits and experiments from before had all been put away in large containers. They reminded clear, allowing whoever was working on them to be able to peer easily inside at its contents. They weren’t packed away, Hermann knew Newt would want them out and ready for whatever manic bit of passion consumed him to break back into them. Although a wandering observer might assume that’s what they had been cleaned up for. It was so clean because of Newt’s absence. Nothing else. 

Hermann wrapped up all of the papers waiting for Newt in a large manilla file. Sticking it under his arm, he moved from the lab without hesitation. He knew his computer screen would hit a screensaver before softly turning off, and everything else of his was neatly put away. He remembered to turn the light off on his way out.

Hermann had actually hesitated for a moment once he had finally gotten to Newt’s door. Maybe he shouldn’t have rushed over here without thinking, it really was late at night. There was no reason why he couldn’t throw this at his partners head in the morning and threaten him with violence if he didn’t get it done in the day. Hermann swallowed nervously, shifting slightly against his cane. He realized though, that this had happened already multiple times. Newt had laughed it off and promised him that he would, and then had completely left it behind, seemingly forgetting they had even had that conversation in the first place. 

Hermann, refilled with a new sense of annoyance, stood up straighter. He knocked loudly on Newt’s door, giving only a moment of pause for the other to object. There was no answer, not even the slightest sound of stirring, so Hermann helped himself inside. Newt had never been one to lock his doors, the absolute moron. 

What Hermann saw when he opened the door, however, was not what he had expected. It filled his chest instantly with a sense of dread.

Newt was laying on his bed, curled up as tightly as the man could seem to manage. He was under his blankets but just barely. As if he had been moving too much and had knocked them off, and in a fit of depressive stupor hadn’t cared enough to pull them back on. His dark brown hair was sticking up every way, and Hermann could practically see him lying there trying to tear it out as his brain wouldn’t stop moving. They had talked about that before, about how hard it could be to make it all stop. How even when either of them was done for the day, it didn’t mean their brain was. How it would keep running on full blast despite their exhaustion, ending up in either of them just staring at the wall for hours and hours and hours. It was why both Newt and Hermann knew the lab so well at night, insomnia had been a cruel old friend to both of them.

Eyes that were normally a mix of green and blue looked up at Hermann then, the lack of light clouding them and making them look a dark grey. Newt’s entire face looked hollow, his eyes framed by large dark circles. There were small fading red marks on his face and neck, like he had been scratching at himself. Hermann glanced over him quickly, taking in the same marks on his wrists and arms.

The moment that passed between them then felt like when a single note was pressed on a keyboard. The way it would stretch out time in the room, making everything feel longer than it truly was. One second in this time could feel like hundreds. It was bullet time, preserved in a moment where it made no sense to exist. The sense of hollowness was the same, as everyone would wait for the next note to play. Expecting it to be there, perhaps silently worried it would never come. The whole room might even hold their breath waiting for it to be. Hermann felt exactly like that then, waiting silently to see if Newt would pull himself up and say something strange, make an excuse, or even yell at Hermann. Nothing came though, aside from those eyes staring back at him. Hermann decided Newt was waiting just as much in that moment as he was, trying to see how the other would react. 

Instinct took over at that point for Hermann, his eyebrows pulling together. He took the manilla folder that was stuffed under his arm, and walked over to the dark wood dresser on the far side of the room from Newt’s bed. He put it down, and then turned to look at Newt again. He hadn’t moved from before, but his eyes had followed Hermann across the room. 

“Newton, what on earth are you doing up at this hour?” Hermann began, trying to make his voice sound dry. It didn’t quite work, the concern still snaking in there. 

Newt let out a sigh in response, his hand running through his hair and down his face. Hermann noticed then there had been tears in his eyes previously, hard to see entirely in the dark. His whole body was filled once again with dread. He wanted to reach out, to comfort Newt, but he had no idea what was going on. For all he knew he was making this worse by being here, oh god he probably was.

“Dude, its three am, what are _you_ doing here?” Newt asked, voice quieter than it should have been.

“I-” Hermann caught how tight his voice sounded, how thick with concern it was. He cleared his throat. “I was bringing you all the paperwork you’ve neglected on your path to rockstardom. You should remember us little people every now and again.” 

That sounded more bitter than Hermann had intended, he looked at Newt and then down on the floor quickly. He cleared his throat again, cutting Newton off before he could speak.

“Are you alright?” Hermann asked, feeling like a fool. Of course something was wrong.

Newt’s brows quirked up for a moment, and Hermann had a hard time telling if it was surprise because it was gone just as quickly as it had come.

“Why don’t you go to bed, I’ll just see you in the lab tomorrow. I’ll have everything done, I swear this time.” Newt said this while sitting up. He rested his back against the frame of his bed. Hermann waited to see if he would reach for his glasses, but he didn’t. He must have really expected that Hermann would seize this opportunity of an out and leave.

Hermann, very awkwardly, sat down on the edge of Newt’s bed. He knew this was both sudden and not like him, and he had a very difficult time putting into words and actions how he wanted to behave when it came to other people. Usually, he was lucky and just pushed people away. It was easier that way, for them both. Not in a self hating kind of separatist sort of way, Hermann just genuinely didn’t like most people. But when he did… Things were a lot more difficult. 

“You were crying.” Herman said. Not a question, a statement.

Newt sighed loudly and dramatically. Hermann wasn’t sure if it was a reflection of his actual emotions, or if he was just doing it to potentially scare him off. Herman wasn’t afraid of feelings, contrary to popular belief. He just rarely had the patience to deal with them.

“Yeah, I was crying.” Newt said, sounding agitated.

“Why?” Hermann asked, trying to search his partners face.

By all his previous actions Hermann had believed Newt was well and fine. Probably even better. He had gotten everything he had wanted from them cancelling the apocalypse. He should be sleeping like a log every night, satisfied and worn from his days he had always promised he would have.

“Man, I don’t know. Why does it look like I've been crying?” Newt asked, annoyed.

“Have you not been able to sleep recently?” Hermann asked, mouth dry.

“Dude when have I not had insomnia?” Newt asked, running a hand down his arm. Hermann watched him do it warily, trying to make sure he wasn’t scratching. He had never known before that Newton was prone to doing that, but now that he’d seen it, well it made sense.

“Yes but…” Hermann swallowed. He had thought Newt was better. Hermann didn’t tell him that though, it would have come across wrong. 

“You thought it was magically gone? Trust me, I’d love that too buddy.” Newt was getting the manic edge back in his voice. It should have made Hermann feel better, like Newt was acting more himself now, but it did the opposite.

“If things have gotten worse for you, Newton, I wish you would tell me.” Hermann began, but Newt cut him off.

“Why? So you can yell at me more?” Newt was leaning towards Hermann now. His eyes were blown wide, his hands waving around. “So you can come bursting into my room when I’m too busy crying my fucking eyes out to tell you to go away?”

“Is that what you want Herman?!” Newton was shouting now. He was smacking his hands into the blanket next to him. There was a wild light in his eyes Hermann was startled by. It wasn’t it’s existence, he had seen that look in his eyes many times before. No, Hermann was startled by how suddenly it had seemed to come on.

“I can tell you all my feelings! I can listen to you yell and berate me and drive me up the fucking wall!” Newt laughed then, as if catching himself after his outburst. 

“But I don’t want you to think this is your fault dude, because it’s not.” 

Newt paused then, taking a second to catch his breath. Hermann couldn’t help but notice how small he looked. Framed in blankets in a dark room, he looked so completely alone.

“I can’t stop hearing them.” Newt finally said.

“I close my eyes and they’re there. They’re in my head, Herman. I-” Newt cut off, and he moved his hand to his arm again.

Without thinking Hermann reached out, stopping Newt from clawing up his arm further. Newt seemed startled by that, looking down and then up. Hermann’s hand was wrapped around his, and he took a moment to squeeze. To let him know he was truly there, was actually doing this.

Newt let out a shaky breath.

“I’m not feeling quite myself, Hermann. I’m sorry.” Newt used his other hand to catch his face. His entire body began shaking. At that moment he began to cry again, Newt seemed to realize he was doing this in front of Hermann, and just let more and more pour out.

“Oh, Newton. I-” Hermann did his best to scoot closer. Newt shuffled over slightly, not moving much aside from that. 

Hermann caught Newt and held him close to his chest, pushing his face in as if he could magically capture all his feelings and emotions doing that.

Running a hand through Newt’s hair, Hermann knew he had secretly wanted to do that for a long time now. Every time Newton had fallen asleep in the lab, there was always some part of Hermann that had wanted to go up to him and gently pet him. He had instead just put his coat or a blanket on him many times, not wanting to deal with the other scientist catching cold. That would have been twice the annoyance, that’s all it was.

“I’m so sorry. You can tell me these things.” Hermann said quietly, Newt just gripped his shirt in response. His body was still shaking, with tears and whatever shame was currently possessing him.

Hermann didn’t need to ask to know what the voices were in Newt’s head. He could hear them too.

The voices were their own. In Hermann’s head he couldn’t stop hearing soft whisperings from the back of his mind, edging him on. Telling him how everything they were doing now was completely useless, that after this war was over there was nothing left for a bitter old scientist to do. He had lost his purpose, and could never be anything more than what he was.

Those soft whispers kept him up at night, making Hermann’s entire chest feel heavy. The feelings and thoughts telling him there was nothing to be alive for. There was also a sick twist in his stomach when Hermann knew every word was right. How he had no reason to be alive anymore, especially compared to everyone who had died during the war. The kinds of people who weren’t just horrible empty husks of men, the kinds with families they still cared about and talked to. The sorts with friends and lovers, whose lives would now feel so much harder and empty without. Hermann knew there would be no such shadow if he left. That whatever he could achieve, whatever purpose he had in this world had been fulfilled.

Then, those soft whispers had turned into something more sinister. 

Hermann felt his mind wander in those times, his brain trying to provide new scientific insights for him. New places he could go, new things to do, new experiments to attempt. There was always the chase of acquiring new knowledge, of course, but that didn’t seem like it would be enough for him. Perhaps he could achieve something with the k-science division, see what kinds of new faces their renewed funding would bring into the program. But no, that didn’t feel like enough.

Hermann instead took to wondering in the dark of night what it would be like to reopen the breach. What kinds of numbers would he need to run to do that would he have to find, what powerful way of tearing space and time open would he have to achieve? Those thoughts were so much more haunting than they should have been. 

“Newton… You’re a good man.” Hermann continued, voice finally coming through and sounding as sad as he actually was. “You can fight this.”

“I’m not strong enough.” Newt said back, voice weak.

"You're plenty strong." Hermann said, voice sounding sure.

Hermann let him cry then, let Newt grip his shirt almost painfully tight as he let the tears fall. His sobs were loud and unbroken, and Hermann did what he thought was best and just didn’t let go. That was what they both needed the most, wasn’t it? Someone who would just keep holding on, and wouldn't let go. 

Everything seemed to practically line itself up behind Hermann’s eyes then, and he forced himself not to join Newt’s tears. They were both truly two of the loneliest people on this base, but they had found each other. If they weren’t there for each other, it was hard to tell who would be. Probably no one. 

Once Newt was done crying, he pulled back slightly, but not quite leaving Hermann’s arms. Gottlieb saw no particular reason to rush him or push him awake. Holding Newt had been much more therapeutic for him as well than he had planned.

“Do you want me to stay with you tonight?” Hermann asked softly. He didn’t add that he wanted to stay, if Newt didn’t want him to that wouldn’t matter either way.

Newt let out a small laugh, leaning further back and wiping at the tears still left in his eyes. He was smiling, and it actually felt sincere. Hermann didn’t comment how his arms felt empty now, his chest felt cold.

“I’m not gonna make you stay, but I would say no.” Newt said, green eyes staring back finally into the brown ones that had been watching him so closely all night.

Hermann nodded in response, and fussed for a moment over his shirt cuff.

“You can borrow my pjs too.” Newt was smiling ear to ear now, probably imagining Hermann’s legs poking out from how short the legs on his pants would be. 

Hermann sighed in response, knowing there was no other option. 


End file.
